I'm Not Feeling It!

  

BIG QUESTION…Am I ready for love? (It's rhetorical! Not expecting YOU to respond!)

That's a thought that's been on my brain for the past couple of days and I don't have an answer!

My daughters have decided that 2023 is the year that ‘Mommy Finds a Man”, and although there's a side of me that's intrigued by the possibilities, there's another side of me that's like

🎶“Hold Up! Wait A Minute!” 🎶

Look, I've been single for so long that I don't necessarily miss companionship all the time. Yes, there’s times that I desire some company, but those times are far and few in between.

I understand that dating can lead to the level of companionship called ‘marriage’ and that ‘marriage’ is a ministry, a SERIOUS one at that! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of ‘work’…never afraid of work. I just don’t know if I WANT to DO the work…do THAT work. I believe that I’ve seen a fair number of relationships/marriages that show both the positives and negatives of ‘The Work’, so I don’t think it’s my being jaded. I just…😣

To give you an example.

There’s a gentleman ‘on my line’, (as a young people say), who for all intents and purposes seems like a pretty decent gentleman. Attractive in his own right…great age for me, (early 60s)…seems to be genuinely attracted to what he knows of me, (we associate in the same online social circle).So you know, good to go…or so you’d think. When I tell you that I am putting in MAJOR effort to interact with this brother, and I don't think that's fair to him (or me for that matter!) I keep telling myself to give it a chance because I’ve ‘out the game’ for so long, but I don't know if that's really what it is.

Could it be that I’m just not interested? And not just interested in him, but in the entire ‘exercise’?

Oy Vey! 😔 This does NOT bode well for my “LIVING IN 2023” now does it? 😞

Until we talk again…

Kimberly

The Middle-Aged Minx™

The 2023 Plan - LIVE!

  

So the other day I shared with you guys about my “40 days of intentions, (which by the way has not been completed and the 40th day is tomorrow! Damn shame, I know...but moving on...Don't judge me!) 

 

I have heard from my children that their desire and prayer for me for 2023 is that I GET A LIFE! Now, it wasn’t said disrespectfully or with malicious intent. They simply would like for me to GET UP, GET OUT and GET SOMETHING...DO SOMETHING! In the words of my youngest Diamond Diva, “ANYTHING besides working and being in your room!” 

 

As much as there's a part of me that agrees with them, there is another side that's downright TERRIFIED! 

 

I left the DC area back in 2012 and relocated to Georgia. When I initially came down here, the plan was to LIVE LIFE! I wasn’t necessarily planning to reinvent myself, but I had well-planned intentions on exploring and discovering who ‘Kim’ was outside of being ‘Mother’ and ‘Grandmother’...or whatever other excuse I gave myself to not ‘BE’ and not ‘DO’. So, despite all the plans to come to GA and become this Super-Duper Fly, Single Woman...yanno, a little bit of Stella getting her groove back (LOL), something happened. 

 

Until this day, I am unable to figure out WHAT that something is/was. Whatever it is/was, led to my developing anxiety. (The official diagnosis was ‘Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety - an excessive reaction to a stressful or traumatic event.) With this issue, I had no problem going out and running errands and such, (although that has seemed to have gotten worse), but when it came to anything ‘SOCIAL”, it could get so bad that I would have (and still do have, from time-to-time) panic attacks. (To be honest, even sharing this with you all is causing slight anxiety!) 

 

But...the seed has been planted. My daughter’s desire for me isn’t one-sided. I’ve wanted to break free from this silent prison I’ve placed myself in, but was so comfortable with just being, that I didn’t really have any motivation to make any changes. Now that things are changing all around me, I am realizing that I need to make that change or get left behind. 

 

First step, getting back into therapy. I’m planning on reaching out to my insurance next week to get a short list of therapists in the area and I’m going back to therapy so that I can work through this blockage as well as (hopefully) figure out a way to navigate all of this so that I can start to take the steps necessary to actually start LIVING and not just EXISTING! 

 

Pray for me y’all. I already know that it’s NOT going to be easy, but I know that in the end, it will DEFINITELY have been WORTH IT!

Until Next Time!…

Kimberly The Middle-Aged Minx™

 Today Is The 1st Blank Page of a 365-Page Book…

Write a Great One!

Every new year/day is yet another opportunity for you to start a new journey. A journey that will have ups and downs, along with positives and negatives.

Embrace it all as a part of your personal experience and ensure that when you hit those bumps in the road, that you extend grace - to yourself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!